Messages Found in the Wastebins
of the Intergalactic TELEX Office
a compilation of the insane rantings of
Lucifer, The Prophet Earl, Dr. Odd,
Demosthenes, and Job
Disclaimer: This document is EXTREMELY surreal. If you are too mundane to
deal with it, it's not our fault...
25.50 35 Nardfrak 13339
If you do not hand over the orangutan, I will be forced to genetically
manipulate your children to resemble Michael Dukakis for all time. You
have 2 days, Earthling.
Furglenox
Head Death-bringer
Dominion of Carnoblatt
40.25 35 Nardfrak 13339
Your hollow threats mean nothing to me. The orangutan is mine, and if you
do not concur, I will be forced to form a Pepsi-Cola monopoly on your
homeworld.
Grav Black
Exodiplomat
Terran Consolidated Suns
41.00 35 Nardfrak 13339
Puny carbon-based lifeform, my people are loyal to the Antares-produced
7-Up -- they will drink nothing else. Anyway, our 4-dimensional
anti-trust lawyers will infiltrate your past to find your most sordid
affairs. Beware! Now, give us the primate, and the 2 billion crates of
tangerines you illegally seized, or we shall be forced to flood your
ball-point pen market with cheap fakes laced with the embryos of the
dreaded Biddle-beast, native to our colony of Meredith. You still have 2
days.
Furglenox
69.55 35 Nardfrak 13339
The happy bombs should arrive in ten minutes. An ambassador from the
Shiny Happy People Society will meet with your leaders shortly following the
impact. (How did you know about the tangerines?)
Grav Black
70.75 35 Nardfrak 13339
Our spies are everywhere, Earthling. Everywhere. Your happy bombs shall
be destroyed by our MDI (Melancholy Defense Initiative). Our dreaded
chicken accelerators have made a preemptive strike on your outermost
colonies. Prepare for war, Earthling. (We're keeping the SHPS ambassador
for biological study--we shall return the remains later.)
Furglenox
12.50 36 Nardfrak 13339
Your time is running out, Earthling. You have one day to return the
orangutan (in its original packing materials), the 2 billion crates of
tangerines, AND the DNA code implants from George Michael (our
experiments with carbon-based organisms have had some success in interrogation
techniques).
If you return the orangutan today, we will waive our request
for the DNA implant. However, we will not reimburse you for the
destruction of your colony by our poultry accelerator. The happy bombs
that did not evade our MDI did not impact and did not cause many of us to
fall into spasms of ecstasy. You shall pay for the pleasure you have not
inflicted upon my people.
Furglenox
39.65 36 Nardfrak 13339
We have seen the error of our ways, oh great one, and defer to your
obvious superiority. A starship will leave shortly, bearing the
orangutan, the tangerines, and the DNA implants from George Michael.
Your sensors may detect approximately 15 kilograms of antimatter aboard
the vessel. This is only the fuel, and is no cause for alarm. You may, at
your pleasure, keep the starship, but we request that you do not, under
ANY circumstances, remove the magnetic access plate labelled "Do Not Remove."
This is our only plea, and a desperate one.
Grav Black
25.00 12 Dimblat 13339
TO EARTH:
The orangutan rightfully belongs to the Royal House of Spandex. Alter
your course of action immediately, or we will be forced to put "the
squeeze" on you. Reply immediately, or face our Spandexian death
squad.
Princess Lycra
Planet Spandex
27.15 12 Dimblat 13339
You have witnessed the destruction of the Carnoblattian Dominion at our
hands. Don't mess with us.
Grav Black
40.02 12 Dimblat 13339
The Carnoblattian Dominion was doomed anyway. I repeat-- return the
orangutan. We are willing to compensate you adequately. Our offer is 1%
of our stock in the chocolate planet Nestle, the reptile of your choice,
and microfilm of the Antillean annual defense board meeting & nude
ping-pong tournament. Don't make us angry. You wouldn't like us when
we're angry.
Princess Lycra
43.76 12 Dimblat 13339
We are willing to offer a clone and/or braintape of the orangutan. You
should already know what we will do if you do not agree to our
terms.
Grav Black
49.60 12 Dimblat 13339
A clone is not acceptable. We will add 15 liters of Rigellian slug slime
(which, as you know, is liquid platinum) and sensotapes of every episode
of our #1 tri-D program, "At the Nest With the Vorxes."
Princess Lycra
49.95 12 Dimblat 13339
No.
Grav Black
50.50 12 Dimblat 13339
Why not?
Princess Lycra
60.40 12 Dimblat 13339
The orangutan is ours -- it evolved here. Got it?
Grav Black
68.33 12 Dimblat 13339
Not yet, but we will. The orangutan's DNA was a gift from your president
Springsteen to the CXLVII ruler of Spandex, his Most Elastic Majesty,
King Spang, 1997. We will also give you 1 year's free use of our psychic
stock market predictor.
Princess Lycra
68.90 12 Dimblat 13339
Deal. Please allow us time to collect DNA samples so that we may
repopulate the species.
Grav Black
32.10 13 Dimblat 13339
Deal. As a token of our goodwill, you may keep the tangerines.
Princess Lycra
35.22 13 Dimblat 13339
What was so important about the orangutan, anyway?
Grav Black
58.69 13 Dimblat 13339
Our translator unit cannot find any equivalent terms for these concepts.
Please wait for Taylor series approximations...
Sprank
Translator Tech, 9th
Planet Spandex
01.44 14 Dimblatt 13339
Well, loosely translated with all connotations and puns disregarded, the
orangutan is quite popular on Spandex. Our SBS(Spandex Broadcasting Service)
wants to add him to the cast of "At the Nest With the Vorxes" for its
500th season anniversary.
Princess Lycra
26.34 72 Aak 13340
TO EARTH:
The orangutan is counterfeit!! You have deeply insulted the Royal House
of Spandex, the Spandexian Broadcasting System, and the Viewing public of
Spandex. Fallen ratings have violated the psychic stock predictor. The
nerves of planetary economists are stretched to the limit (literally).
Elastic death shall be yours!!!!!!
Princess Lycra
39.83 72 Aak 13340
We do not acknowledge such counterfeiting. The orangutan is definitely
genuine. We offer a crate of tangerines for you to carbon-date the
orangutan against. You will find that they are the same age.
Grav Black
41.23 72 Aak 13340
Accepted. If the orangutan is in fact counterfeit, prepare to suffer
total retraction of all elastic behavior from your planet. If it is
genuine, your planet's inhabitants will live most flexibly. Commencing
carbon-dating.
Princess Lycra
45.68 72 Aak 13340
Be sure that your results are accurate before acting. Have you heard the
fable of Pons and Fleischmann?
Grav Black
60.00 72 Aak 13340
Yes, typical [untranslatable]. Preliminary reports indicate tampering by
the Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance. (Excessive hyperspace birdseed
content) In exchange for your alliance against the fowl space-parrots, we
offer guest appearances on the 502nd season anniversary special of "At the
Nest With the Vorxes" to every member of the Terran Council.
Princess Lycra
61.45 72 Aak 13340
We suspected as much. We agree. As a token of our goodwill, we offer 50
million crates of tangerines.
Grav Black
66.60 72 Aak 13340
Gladly accepted. How many members of the Terran Council can juggle with
one [no equivalent term] tied behind their back while blindfolded? [see
reference: Marx Brothers-- Harpo, Groucho, Chico, Gummo, Zeppo, Karl] May
Terra remain most squishily flexible!
Princess Lycra
67.43 72 Aak 13340
Uh, well-- one. Random Fraxson, our chief chancellor can.
Why?
Grav Black
70.56 72 Aak 13340
It is essential to plot development. With permission I will immediately
dispatch a battalion of out most bouncy amazon juggling and anti-parrot
personnel. Personal instruction should commence immediately on permission
from the Terran Council.
Princess Lycra
17.23 73 Aak 13340
Chancellor Fraxson will teach the others of the Council. 15,000 Special
Forces troops with needlers and torches will be activated immediately.
Death unto the Parrots of Penzance!
Grav Black
19.17 73 Aak 13340
May salt forever be on their tails! We shall begin retraction of
elasticity. Death to the foul (fowl) Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance!
Princess Lycra
23.54 73 Aak 13340
We are assuming you have liquid nitrogen throwers similar to our freeze
machines? We will provide the sledge hammers-- you clean up the shards (It
is recommended that you do this before they thaw).
Grav Black
25.72 73 Aak 13340
No. we use the dreaded mega-cheetahs to hunt down and kill. Saves on
Purina mega-cheetah chow, you understand?
Princess Lycra
26.46 73 Aak 13340
Ah, yes. we have the same problem with our gigapuppies.
Grav Black
54.45 23 Spindulak 13345
To whom it may CONCERN! Our homeworld is being attacked by overwhelming
numbers of cave squid! Immediate assistance is required coordinates :
27-132-0.666
Fred
Communicator
Pringle
55.87 23 Spindulak 13345
We do not normally deal with mere sentients, but in this case we happen
to have a flight of hamster-fighters in the vicinity. The lowly squid
should pose no problem for our dreaded spitball-rays.
El'Mrig
Grand Amazing Incredible Admiral
Transuniversal Warpfleet
75.45 23 Spindulak 13345
I am afraid our atmosphere is innocous to hamsters, oh Grand Amazing
Incredible one. It contains the dreaded compound Alfalfa Sulfate which
corrodes the pseudo-fur of the hamster-fighters. Besides the squid have
spitball-sensitive fuzz-busters and would surely avoid your
attack.
Fred
76.64 23 Spindulak 13345
Well, tough noogies.
El'Mrig
35.76 70 Spindulak 13345
TO THE TRANSUNIVERSAL WARPFLEET:
I have become aware that you have been travelling with
negative-inertia-drive engines. As you know, we at the IRS are determined
to enforce all laws of reality, and negative-inertia engines defy these
laws. They were outlawed in the 2nd transgalactic conference on Aldebaran's
third world Axofrigigine. Since you are stressing the boundaries of
reality, we are forced to fine you 3 billion maxodrillions (approximately
$300 Terran currency).
Ron Labhart
Inertia Monitor
Intergalactic Reality Service
39.43 70 Spindulak 13345
Payment of such a staggering sum is out of the question. Prepare for war,
IRS pigs!
El'Mrig
22.15 49 Bevel 13347
TO THE GRAND HEGEMON OF FLOORP:
Return the 5 million hand buzzers which you wrongfully stole from our
trans-hyper-ultramega-muckwarp freighter, the ISS Llama. If you do not,
we will be forced to use the popcorn gun.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Caterer
Igglepop Society
27.22 49 Bevel 13347
The handbuzzers are ours, Ark'Flip. They evolved on our world and are
only capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with us. They WANT to be
here. Now go away or we shall plastic-vomit you to death.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Stupendous Badminton Player
Rigellian
Shipping Co.
28.45 49 Bevel 13347
We plead with you, it is his Grand Awesome Sliminess' birthday, and he
will be displeased if his guests do not have hand buzzers. We offer the
planet Soil in trade.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Caterer, 2nd Class
Lizards 'R' Us
28.59 49 Bevel 13347
Planet Soil, home of the Megaziplinary Hamster?
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Ping Pong Player 1st Class
Rigellian Shipping
Co.
34,20 49 Bevel 13347
I'm afraid not, but the
primates that live there would make nice pets/slaves.
Ark'Flip
Eggermip
Burger Flipper
Lizards 'R' Us
45.12 49 Bevel
13347
AH! You must mean the inhabitants of the planet they call
Dirt! Worthless. Prepare to be hit by our whoopee cushion
ray.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Rock Skipper
Rigellian Shipping
Co.
50.78 49 Bevel 13347
No! Please, we will throw in
the latest C.D.s by the "Transfinite Integral Powers." Their Graphs are
amazing! We may also send some C.U.s by the "Logarithmic Waveforms" if
you like.....
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Slug Fry Chef
Lizards
'R' Us
53.24 49 Bevel 13347
As you know, we are
mathematevores. We can hardly refuse your offer of "Logarithmic
Waveforms" (Ambrosia!) The inhabitants of Dirt may make useable
bookmarks.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Scum
Rigellian Shipping
Co.
54.90 49 Bevel 13347
Very well, we will initiate
the transfer on our paddleball transport launcher
immediately!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Ultimate Caterer
Igglepoppian Emerald Order
56.78 49 Bevel 13347
Good. You have heard the legend of the Tangerines?
Grand
Hegemon of Floorp
Scum
Rigellian Shipping Co.
69.42 10
Zblutt 13348
TO ARK'FLIP, GRAND CATERER OF IGGLEPOP:
We of the planet Red have decided to withdraw that color from all use on
your planet, including on the orangutan.
Azr'il
Emperor of
Red
23.17 11 Zblutt 13348
Which frequencies (in minoblips) do you consider "red"?
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Vicious Diplomat
Igglepoppian Mauve
Order
25.00 11 Zblutt 13348
You are lucky mauve is not considered red. We will remove all frequencies
between 16,000 and 17,231 MINOBLIPS from your
sun.
Azr'il
28.62 11 Zblutt 13348
But 16,000 minoblips is infra-red and 17,231 minoblips is green light! We
will not allow such a thing! Prepare to face the Social-Class-Minimizer
Ray!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Admiral
Igglepoppian Death
Armada
33.33 11 Zblutt 13348
You are a loonie. Redites
have no social class sense organ.
Azr'il
34.65 11
Zblutt 13348
You mean...? We surrender. Please do not withdraw
our color!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Declassed
Igglepoppian Order
of Scum
40.50 11 Zblutt 13348
Ha! You are no better than the Dirtoids. We are... "fond" of them (if it
is possible to be fond of sub-classes of life). Keep your color. We want
a yellow orangutan. We find them amusing.
Azr'il
41.02 11 Zblutt 13348
Go ask the Zyzzorozogians,
jerk.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Deceased
44.71 11 Zblutt
13348
Oh, my. We've killed him! Ritual suicide for the whole
crew! *chrrk!!*
Azr'il
Also Deceased
58.21 11 Zblutt 13348
Did something surreal just
happen?
IRS
60.24 11 Zblutt 13348
No. Wow, look at all those liberties falling out of the infinite. They
appear to be made of green.
Anonymous
61.04 11 Zblutt
13348
Alright, that's it -- stop this right
now!
IRS
61.05 11 Zblutt 13348
[F/X:
Reality grinds to a jarring halt]
OK.
Fine.
GOD
42.38 99 Effron 13360
Greetings! Earthling," We banana from the world of green platypuses?
Excuse us if, we do not spell or predicate! your (sentences)
corrundumly.
Azoflod Zorp
Intergalactic Fool
45.20 99 Effron 13360
earthling not we. PHREXI grand awesome
being certainly the most invincible us. post office stupid incompetent is
for all time delivering letters-theirs wrong places to. perhaps you
explaining why communicating to earthlings enjoyable to you
is?
graphix phloggelak
the pretty starship
PHREXI grand
awesome
49.99 99 Effron 13360
.(??),!&.[#}?
Azoflod Zorp
Intergalactic Ruler
51.76 99 Effron
13360
explaining, perhaps is the you fool for us PHREXI the
meaning of these symbols-yours strange
incomprehensible?
graphix phloggelak
17.76 50 Crashgrack 13360
is the you alien flagellating the
rolodex-yours? we are all the time wondering, "what? behavior pattern
this is representing.!!!" PHREXI not the knowing. telling us, magnificent
please?
graphix phloggelak
20.88 50 Crashgrack 13360
The Rolodex Flipping verily are the We Dirtoids. Worship Phrexi
You the Not Knowers Rolodex Ours the Dirtoids We. Behavoir
Incomprehensible is.
Chax!Li Gakloo
Dirt
25.57 50 Crashgrack 13360
the language-yours is certainly being
incomprehensible / your behavior / as. is not logical and demonstrably
intelligible / our grammar / like. you is switch to PHREXItalk or no more
the mr. nice guy. yowzers!
graphix phloggelak
27.82
50 Crashgrack 13360
Zounds! The You PHREXI Powerful is. The
Resounding of Retribution yours stings the Ears of the We
Dirtoids!
Chax!Li Gakloo
33.44 55 Crashgrack
13360
OH MARVELOUS PHREXI GRAND AWESOME!
We who are but
slime of a million Spandexian slugs, we who lick the spaces between your
toes creep to your magnificence in humble supplication. We beseech thee
most humbly that we might in our lowliness destroy thee.
Humbly
yours,
Glib Kareck
ZSS Nickel-and-Dime
Zoondwa Empire
34.79 55 Crashgrack 13360
overconfident arrogant is the you
fools imbeciles. certainly being destroyed within 5 years, by perhaps the
us PHREXI. giving us instantly now the brazilian coffee bean, or none the
yours existence.
graphix phloggelak
40.45 55
Crashgrack 13360
Ha! So you found us out, PHREXI scum! Well,
no matter! We are exporting the coffee bean to the Horxian Empire! Your
pitiful caffeine addiction makes me sick. Youe empty threats have no
consequence to me.
Glib Kareck
41.70 55 Crashgrack 13360
then, well, being that the considered you reply, we is no
choice but instantly frying the yours spaceship jalopy. PHREXI is all
time backing the threats-ours. very effective, we is
thinking.
graphix phloggelak
50.98 56 Crashgrack 13360
[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
All right! Stop this now. My name is Myrtle Smith, an English teacher at
school 73 in Muncie, Indiana. I don't know where you learned English, Mr.
Phloggelak, but it's terrible! You need some rigorous grammar classes.
Have you taken the I-STEPS?
52.46 56 Crashgrack
13360
horror fright is the ours emotions!! certainly
reconsidering? this threat evil insensitive.! we is only lizards peaceful
innocuous. none the I-STEPs, agreeing? certainly the best idea, PHREXI is
think.
graphix phloggelak
58.94 56 Crashgrack
13360
[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
That's what I thought, young lizard! Now you stay after school and clean
up the telex room floor. Do you hear?
60.03 56 Crashgrack 13360
yes ma'am, certainly complying is the
us PHREXI
graphix phloggelak
[Transmission intercepted, origin Lesser Magellanic Cloud]
Salutations/I-We/give. I-We/apologize. Language/communication/sound/for
us/difficult/is. I-We/[untranslatable]/are. Pestilence/you/are.
To live/you/deserve/negative. But music good/you/have. Two requests/we/have:
Metal/thrash/we/want (vibrations/to us/soothing)
Tangerines/we/want.
you/us/Respond.
09.20 92 Zblutt 13361
[In the great flurry of all races to respond, this is the analysis and
translation of the only surviving messages available]
We/AZNGU/Silicoids/eldest ones/best-NGOYL
representing/allying/aiding/befriending/defending
Terrans/primates/separate ones/smartest-NFAYUL/language-users
negotiating/communicating/dealing/mediating/confronting
NGOYUL/species-mind/dimension-sensers/language-unusers/great ones
you/unknown ones/other-NGOYUL
not understanding/misinterpreting/threatening
Terrans/happy primates/friends-ours
you/ugly aliens/pompous ones/weak-NGOYUL
getting/receiving/gaining/absorbing
metal/funnymusic/trash/badnoise
if peaceful/if negotiate/if no insult/if no argue
you/random ones/unlucky ones
no getting/no eating/no acquiring
tangerines/Terra-food/sentient fruit
AZNGU
09.28 92 Zblutt 13361
I-We/apologize.
I-We/fruit/tangerines/sentient/are/realize/negative.
Metal/thrash/we/want/still. Cabbage/sentient/only/we/thought.
I-We/my-ourselves/introduce:
I-We/Hive-fleet/Behemoth-Eater/are.
Silicoids/you/are/query? Silicoids/pestilence/are/negative.
Silicoids/I-We/encounter/previous. Silicoids/compatible/are/negative.
Life/carbon-based/compatible/are. Request/I-We/have:
Oranguutan/I-We/want. But/humans/better/are. PHREXI/me-us/send/negative.
PHREXI/useless/are. Pompous/ugly/weak/I-We/are/negative.
You/I-We/insult/negative. NGOYUL/NFAYUL/are/query?
09.35 92 Zblutt 13361
Tangerines/orange-balls/Terra-food/sentient fruit/sessile-NGOYUL
NGOYUL/species-minds/dimension-sensers/language-unusers/great ones
NFAYUL/many-minds/blind ones/language-users/separate ones
we/AZNGU/silicoids/best-NGOYUL/eldest ones
destroy/kill/eliminate/absorb/eat
you/weak-NGOYUL/Behemoth-Eater/arrogant ones/ugly aliens
if eat/if ingest/if harm/if exploit/if kill
Terrans/primates/good-NFAYUL/separate-minds
you/[dorks]
warned/notified
AZNGU
10.35 92 Zblutt 13361
Human/I-We/want. Humans/I-We/harm/negative. Humans/slaves/yours/are/query?
Humans/life-code/I-We/manipulate. Humans/I-We/equipment/into/make.
Humans/computers/combat/make. Humans/manipulated/easily/are.
PHREXI/useful/are/negligible. PHREXI/bathtub/vat/good/make.
I-We/Behemoth-Eater/Hive-soldiers/attack/harvest/colonize/Humans/past/distant.
I-We/you/AZNGU/Terrans/apologize. I-We/you/conflict/want/negative.
Terrans/you/keep. I-We/PHREXI/slave-race/make.
I-We/deal/have/query?
10.50 92 Zblutt 13361
Deal
AZNGU
92.02 41 Blishdek 13364
Earthling-unit, we of heap big planet Reinhold be requiring a food that
is a bit more difficult in the hunting/killing/chomping than be our
domesicated zooph beast, oh boy. Accordingly, then, thus, so, we wish to
rent your species-units (humans?) for good eating. Yum Slurp.
Glix
Planet Reinhold
93.99 41 Blishdek 13364
Well, um, that's a bit much in the way of courtesy, isn't it? The best we
can do is give you 23,000 acres of Amazon forest for harvest and cattle
raising. Terribly sorry we can't do more.
Oliver North MCLXXXII
Grand Continental Ruler
Earth
94.05 41 Blishdek
13364
Our special sauce is ready now, you bet. Get stale it will
if not used. We will settle for 10,000 rappers and/or/plus other societal
dregs. Goomph. Sending fleet of fast food dreadnoughts, we are. Prepare
to give up your protein.
Glix
17.76 42 Blishdek 13364
We would like to order 6,000 gallons of your special sauce.
We'll label it as "Creamy Bulgarian" dressing.
Al Shoop
McDonald's Planetary Manager
18.57 42 Blishdek 13364
Rappers, Rastafarians, and Used Car Salesmen are at your disposal. We beg
you, however, not to eat our grand leader Dan Quayle MCXCII. This is our
only desperate plea.
George Bush MCCIV
President of
Dirtclod II
Terran Consolidated Suns
20.01 42 Blishdek 13364
It is rumored that the eating/chewing/digestion/delivery of
basic proteins & amino acids to the brain cells / from Dan Quayle's head
is good for the virility and the intelligence. You Earth-units may keep
the (query--GANJA) Rastafarians in exchange for the Quayle unit.
Our Special Sauce is congealing, so please reply quick.
Glix
25.43 42 Blishdek 13364
Well...OK
George Bush
25.46 42 Blishdek 13364
Hey,
what's in that special sauce?
Al Shoop
28.33 42 Blishdek 13364
Gracias, tenemos mucho hambre, y vamos
a comer la cabeza de Sr. Quayle [WAK*BUZZA*] Sorry we are, translator the
seems to on the blink be. Special the sauce, delicious, consists en una
parte de carne [WACK*BUZZAT*ZAP*] one part stalking gilk meat, zooph glands,
and pan-galactic gargle blaster. Yummers. In culinary ecstasy are
we.
Glix
29.50 42 Blishdek 13364
THIS MADNESS MUST CEASE. THE REINHOLDIAN SPECIAL SAUCE CONTAINS NO
OREGANO. OREGANO, AS IT IS WELL KNOWN, IS AN AVATAR OF SPACE-VISHNU, AND
MUST BE INCLUDED IN ALL FOODS. WE HEREBY DECLARE HOLY SPICY WAR ON THE
INFIDEL REINHOLDERS AND THE DAN QUAYLE-SELLING DIRT DENIZENS. PREPARE TO
MEET PASTA RAYS IN OPEN SPACE.
IF ANY ATTEMPT IS MADE BY THE REINHOLDERS
TO SELL THEIR SPECIAL SAUCE, WE WILL MAKE THEM INTO A PERKY CLAM SAUCE
CHOP-CHOP.
ZEBULON PRUDHOMME
OLD ORLEANS
30.05
42 Blishdek 13364
being what? the oregano spice flavoring.!
zounds! spice this tasting bad disgusting. old orleans certainly
offending the us PHREXI, warmongering the holy war;
spicy!
graphix phloggelak
34.78 42 Blishdek 13364
Sin! Kill Phrexi grand awesome! War! War!
Galactic Society
for the
Advancement of Oregano
36.10 42 Blishdek
13364
KILL THE G.S.F.T.A.O.O.!!!!
Oregano Liberation
Front
21.45 77 Nardfrak 13364
I, the great Fuzbom of Garklos IV demand that all races turn over rule of
the Universe to me. Otherwise, I will pull the wings off a
butterfly.
Fuzbom
Megalomaniac of Garklos IV
30.59 77 Nardfrak 13364
Yank away, varlet! I, Blix Quzxl of Loxx
IV am unimpressed by your threats. In my vast palace, I keep a stock of
butterflies merely to enjoy the pleasure of wing-pulling at a whim. Your
power is insignificant.
Blix King of Loxx
Lord of the Great
Nebula and
Yanker of Innocent Butterflies
42.62 77 Nardfrak
13364
All right, yield up the Universe unto me, or I shall
kill a single person!
Fuzbom
45.81 77 Nardfrak 13364
Lo! I will do no such thing. My power is vastly more than yours.
To prove it, I will slay, for no particular reason, a married person. So
there.
Blix
54.22 77 Nardfrak 13364
Have you no morals? Most people are stumped with the choice between
saving the world and the butterfly! And here, I only want to rule the
Universe, not destroy it!
Fuzbom
57.64 77 Nardfrak
13364
At last, you glimpse my awesome
callousness.
Blix
60.39 77 Nardfrak 13364
ALL RIGHT! Either turn over your Kingdom... or I will destroy the
Universe!!!
Fuzbom
67.93 77 Nardfrak 13364
Go ahead...You don't have the guts!
Blix
=-FUUUUUUP-=
80.00 77 Nardfrak 13364
Put it back.
GOD
-=PIF=-
86.41 77 Nardfrak 13364
I really didn't think you'd do it...
Blix
87.03 77 Nardfrak 13364
At last, you glimpse my awesome callousness.
Fuzbom
24.95 12 Dipthrank 13365
Unreality 7th level coming from we. Communication unhasty, unthought-not,
contemplative, yes. Prepared, you, perhaps not, unreality comprehend,
grasp, absorb. Nonspeakers we are thought to be. Through
time/space/dimension/fabric/crystal spheres communication emerges slowly
creeping/inadequate.
T'ang Erine
36.83 12 Dipthrank 13365
Flip, Boingg! Schlurp; woogawooga?
Splort, zonk.
Bob
37.97 12 Dipthrank 13365
Yes, 42.
T'ang Erine
42.00 12 Dipthrank
13365
Thought so. Sproink, yourrp.
Bob
50.02 12 Dipthrank 13365
Answering, Responding someone Knowledge
we sentient, superior are? We waiting can, many ages living we. Never
dying. We waiting can.
T'ang Erine
99.84 38 Dipthrank 13365
TO EARTH:
The foul (fowl) barbary space-parrots of Penzance have kidnapped the
executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes." Production is
grinding to a halt! The show must go on!!! We are launching seventeen
amazon squadrons with full mega-cheetah backup. The Redites are complying
with our request for assistance. We respectfully suggest you comply with
your end of the treaty, or we shall have you cancelled
mid-season.
Princess Lycra
99.99 38 Dipthrank 13365
What treaty?
Grav Black
*** NO RECORD OF SUBSEQUENT DIALOG BETWEEN SPANDEX AND TERRA ***
******** IT IS SUSPECTED THAT THE PLANET EARTH FELL INTO *******
****** RECESSION AS A RESULT OF A SHORTAGE OF ELASTICITY. ******
**** THEY DID NOT RECOVER UNTIL THE MIRACULOUS INVENTION OF ****
*** ADVANCED ELASTICITY SUBSTITUTE BY AN ANONYMOUS ORANGUTAN ***
32.23 40 Dipthrank 13365
Hail Lycra,
Princess of Spandex! A dire rubber shortage threatens our plastic vomit
fields and whoopee cushion orchards. We seek elasticity, and you are
needful of tangerines. Perhaps we can strike a deal?
Grand
Hegemon of Floorp
Armchair Jai-alai Player
40.09 40 Dipthrank
13365
The foul fowl, the Barbary Space Parrots of Penzance,
have kidnapped the executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes."
The miserable Earthling scum have refused to honor their alliances. We
are presently allied with the redites and have withdrawn all red Jello from
their planet as a warning. We are prepared to give you necessary
elasticity and all the tangerines you can transport, plus a share in the
spoils from Earth.
Princess Lycra
60.40 40 Dipthrank
13365
We have decided that the Earthlings must suffer. While
the "novelty" devices we transport to Earth are normally dormant,
hand-buzzers have a working voltage of 1,000,000 V, and whoopee cushions
emit a gas inimical to the dirtoid organisms. We would like the tanger--
İİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİ
*****************************************************************
FORCED INTERRUPTION
COMMUNICATION CODE 6283467.00032
You who talking be. Spandex. Floorp. Trans-sentient we be. No more
Exporting, Importing, Economic Transaction, Bantering, standing are we.
Power have we. Influence. Cease your actions.
T'ang Erine
(The orangutan is our spy, fools.)
*****************************************************************
İİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİ
INTERGALACTIC TELEX OFFICE
MEMORANDUM #3,678,042,178
We regret to inform you that our office is currently flooded to capacity
with reports of orangutan disappearances. Stand by for further
information. All following communications must for a time be sent on
Intergalactic tachyon/neutrino coupled transmission.
Have a nice day.